Lions Don't Lose Sleep Over the Opinions of Sheep...

Hello there! 

It has been a while since I have posted anything on the blog but today is the day! :)

With Christmas under way tomorrow, so many people talk about the "Spirit of Christmas" or the "Spirit of Giving"...or my favourite, "putting CHRIST in Christmas" ...now that is wonderful and there are so many people who truly do live by this motto, but at the same time there are the select few who may not.. I have decided the ratio is 10 bad to 1000 good, but my goodness can those 10 make a stink! 

With that said throughout this last while and especially in the past week I have talked with some of my closest friends about some of the trials I have had to face resulting from Jeff's passing.  I can honestly say one of the HARDEST things I have had to deal with has been the people around me! Crazy right!? I am sure I am not alone on this as many people have gone through these sorts of things and are going through their own personal trials right now - I know I am not alone with how I feel.  So for my Christmas gift to you all I would love to share with you the amazing advice that I have been given! If you are going through your own trial at the moment, have gone through something where you can relate, or if your trial is just around the corner...I hope you can find peace and strength from my words and that you can keep you head up and be strong just like I have been encouraged to be!

Be Brave

During the trials in my life I have literally found that there is no other option then to just be brave.  A letter from my Mom confirmed this.  Many people have said to me...how are you still doing this? How are you working? How did you not just drop everything and move in with you parents? Well, even though I may have WANTED to, that just isn't really logical if you ask me. The Lord doesn't give us any trials we can't overcome (sometimes I have to question what he thinks I am made of).  So if the Lord knows I can do this...then I might as well make him proud. I have to be brave, I have to keep my head up and keep pressing on.  It is hard. And every person grieves differently.  Most days I just want to lay in my bed and cry and hide, but I know that is not what I am supposed to be doing. We have to let our trials make us stronger, braver, better, and smarter - we can't let them break us. Easier said then done I feel but I know Jeff wouldn't want me to quit life at the age of 20.  So I get up each morning and I put on a brave face for him, and by the end of the day I can be proud of myself for making it through another day.

Lions Don't Lose Sleep Over the Opinions of Sheep

A conversation with a good friend led her to tag me in a photo that said this...Lions Don't Lose Sleep Over the Opinions of Sheep.  I had heard this before and at first thought, "Wow"! What a powerful statement...then I chuckled to myself when I thought of myself as a lion! Ha. I have no idea why I thought it was so funny.  But I told myself that every time I heard a creative, new story someone was telling about my life - I was going to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I was a lion.  Their opinions don't matter, their stories don't matter, the fact that they feel it necessary to dedicate time out of their day to speak about me....well that just makes them sheep.  (I have nothing against sheep, but you know what I mean ;) )  So I have to be brave, I have to keep repeating to myself the wonderful Dr. Suess quote that says, "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." People will talk, its human nature - but at the end of the day the only opinion of you that matters...is YOURS!  

If They Are Talking About You They Are Leaving Someone Else Alone

An incredible thought another good friend shared with me was the concept of..."if they are talking about you they are leaving someone else alone".  Now, I had to think on that one for a few moments - but how powerful is that? Or maybe I just thought it was powerful...but it really hit me.  I am a pretty strong person. I know who I am, and what others say about me may sting for a moment but at the end of the day I shake it off like a duck with water on its back. It is just who I am - life has forced me to become that way.  But there are many people who are not strong, and who are completely battered and torn at the end of the day by the words spoken about them.  So if the creative tales that are being spread about you are saving someone else from pain and suffering....that is a pretty positive twist on an icky situation!  Talk about taking one for the team! I would say that was some humbling advice, and I will constantly remind myself of that.  If you can be brave and think of yourself as a lion...then you will have the strength to carry a little bit of someone else's burden...there is always a "glass half full" way to think about things.

Focus On The Good

Now this last one didn't come from a specific person but more so my family in general...I have been taught to think like this my whole life and I have a Grandma who is absolutely amazing at finding the positives in horrible situations. So I feel as if I was very lucky to have this mentality.  Many of you who have me on Facebook have probably seen my occasional "happy rant".  When I wrote my first "thank-you" on Facebook the day of Jeff's passing - I decided that I was going to say thank you more throughout this trial then I ever had in my life.  I made it a goal! So every time I am having a bad day...whether I am missing Jeff like mad or I am dealing with some crazy business...I force myself to sit down and say thank you to someone. Whether it is a phone call, text, blog post or on Facebook - that is my first thing I have to do. I do this because by the end I have completely forgotten why I was so mad or sad in the first place! When you think about all that you have been given - it helps you forget, or at least think differently, about the things that you don't have or the things that are causing you a little strife.  

I would give ANYTHING to just talk with Jeff. To hold his hand and kiss his hair and see his perfect little ears and blue eyes one more time. Even typing that made the flood gates open...O boy.  But I know that one day there will be good that comes from this.  Jeff doesn't have to live in this wayward world any more! He is perfect, he is safe.  He is back where he needs to be, he just beat us all to it!  

All we have to do is look for the tiniest positive and talk it up! Be SO grateful. Thank those around you. Love those around you and make sure that they know it.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas and best wishes in the new year! 

Dakota

One Month Later...

One Month. Thirty days. Four Weeks.

No matter what way you think of it, it still doesn't feel real.

In moments it does, and those moments are hard and they are scary - although quickly followed by an overwhelming feeling of peace, love, and gratitude.

In the last month I have done some things that no twenty year old should ever have to do, but that many have done before.  I have planned a funeral, picked out a casket, and watched as my husband was lowered into some very cold ground.  I have learned how to cancel drivers licenses, passports, cell phones, etc. I keep telling everyone that I may be in a twenty year old body-  but I feel like I'm eighty!

 Through all the tears, shock, confusion, and desperation, I can't help but stop and think about how blessed I have been.  When my mind starts getting out of control and my thoughts are ones that I wish would disappear - I turn on Jeff's favourite song from his mission, "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

Which can be found here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xj8aKBdfZc  

CD: Reflections of Christ - Hymns of Our Savior

Sung by: Freddie Ashby

I found a version of this song which is performed by Chris Rice.  In this version there is one more verse - and that extra verse really hit me. The lyrics to this song are incredible! I have found so much peace in it and I felt like it was Jeff's favourite for a reason.

"Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

Sung by: Chris Rice

Come thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount

I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer, 

Here by Thy great help I've come.

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God.

He to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood.

Oh that day when freed from sinning

I shall see Thy lovely face.

Clothed then in blood washed linen

How I'll sing thy sovereign grace.

Come my Lord no longer tarry

Take my ransom soul away.

Send thine angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless days.

Oh to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constraint to be!

Let Thy goodness like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love. 

Here's my heart

Oh take and seal it.

Seal it for thy courts above.

Here's my heart

Oh take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above.

When I hear that song, almost instantly my hurt is gone.  This allows me to take the time to stop and think about all of the good that has come from this.  Even though it is often hard to see, and especially hard to understand.  I do know that there is a plan - much beyond my understanding - but there is a plan.  I  know Jeff is happy. I know he is safe.  He is finally back home where he needed to be.  Sometimes I am almost jealous that Jeff no longer has to live on the earth, and that he doesn't have to go through some of the trials that we are faced with while we are here.  But I have learned that each and every one of us have a purpose here, we all have something that we need to accomplish or learn.  Some of us take a long time to do those things, some of us a much shorter time - and we may never really know when it is our time to go.

One thing that I always admired about Jeff and never fully understood was his ability to "live life to the fullest".  I am SO not like that! I am a planner, I have to know every detail and I am not the biggest fan of surprises or change...so being around Jeff was so good for me.  He taught me to sit back and enjoy the ride - he told me so many times, Dakota, you are only 20...relax! You have your whole life ahead of you.  It always drove me nuts but now I so appreciate his outlook on life.  It helps me realize how much more I have to accomplish in life - and how much time I really have to do it, while at the same time making sure that I don't waste a minute...if that makes any sense! :)  I know I wasn't the only one that he taught this lesson to...so I hope that everyone whose lives he touched and even those reading this blog will follow his example and take advantage of every moment!

Thank you for all the support this past month! It is truly the only reason I am still hanging in there!  It is so appreciated.

Dakota

Time To Be Grateful...

Where do I even begin!?

I have so many amazing people to thank and many of those stories will be coming up in future posts. But in honour of the National Finals Rodeo that is well under way I thought it might be a good time to say thank-you to my rodeo family!

When I heard that a Barrel Racing benefit was being held in honour of Jeff - put on by some AWESOME ladies - Monica Wilson, Staci Juhasz, and Jillian Monti.  I was so humbled and so grateful.  These events are not easily thrown together! They take time, people, a facility to hold the event, etc.  The Cardston Agridome was willing to donate the facility for the evening and one by one I watched as the donations started pouring in! SO many people donated items to the Silent Auction that was held - AND I want to send out a special thank-you to those who showed up and actually bought the items! We had a pretty great turnout - but the amount that was raised from that group of people...unbelievable! We all felt very loved!

Due to the length of time that it took for Jeff to arrive back in Alberta, his funeral ended up on the same day as the event...but I couldn't have thought of a better way to end a very emotional day. Surrounded by family and friends AND horses! Nothing better then that!

Thank-you to all of the ladies and girls who came out to run that night! Some even donated their dollar winnings back! I couldn't believe that! I so appreciate it!

One fun fact about Jeff...Back when I was competing in rodeo and still in the dating world, I made it a requirement for the boy I was dating to attend a barrel jackpot with me!  How he handled this task could really make or break the relationship! ;)  Well...I remember the day I took Jeff to his first Barrel Jackpot - A jackpot that had 200+ entries (of course I didn't tell him that prior to going).  He handled it like a champ! After recovering from the initial shock that he was going to have to watch the same pattern be run 200 times...and even more shock after he realized that we raked the pattern after every 5....he got himself a few cheeseburgers and some Pepsi and started writing down times! And when it came to be my turn...he cheered... SO loud!. Partly mocking how us barrel racers cheer for each other - and partly because he really was so excited to watch.  I knew he was a keeper ;)

Global News Lethbridge came to check out the event!  Here is the link:

http://globalnews.ca/video/1690203/community-rallies-to-support-deceased-mans-family

I would like to send out a HUGE thank-you to the following for donating to the Silent Auction!
The list is long...we really are so blessed.

Cardston Extra Foods
Ryan Smith
Western Stockman
Bates Leather (Tanner Bates)
Randee Hegie
Fas Gas
Bruce Primeau
Kerri Walburger Nelson
Wildflower Tack - Cristy Duce
Jessica Loose
Boarderline
Executive Fly Fishing (Clay, Katelyn and Leah Campbell)
Rod Foggin
Valerie Nilsson
Raymond Dental
Monica Wilson
Laura McRae Loose
Review Printing
Molson Coors Canada  (Abby Chomiak)
Paul Umpleby
Paige Leavitt
Dea J Higgins
Raymond Pharmacy
Jackie Leppington
Cheryl Wyner
Sizzle (Cardston Agridome Concession)
Moxies Lethbridge (Mike Bond)
Hewitt Equine
Stacey Kading 
Charley Rae Carey and Pam Reeder
Jillian and Amber Monti
Shelbi Bates
Elliot Bit & Spur (Dave Elliot and Lousie Houben)
Chinook Rodeo Association
Raymond Napa Auto
Shaylee Rae French
Canadian Cutie (Stephanie Hall)
Prairie West Horse Pellet (Richard Wilde)
Jane Shaw
Susan Dixon
Kayla Zielke
Ben & Staci Juhasz
Roger Lewis

That is NOT including the ONLINE Auction...which is still going on so I will post about that once it is finished!
I couldn't thank everyone enough for helping with this event! It was awesome! Seeing all the riders in their camo...well let's just say I had a good cry about that one.  Jeff would have loved it! So thank-you!
And to the three ladies that organized the event; Monica, Staci, and Jillian - you have no idea how much this meant to me. I have never felt so loved! :)

Dakota

Life Insurance...

Life Insurance - one of the major topics that made this story go viral.

Why didn't we have it? Had we even thought of it? How stupid could we be to not have purchased some prior to Jeff leaving?  So many questions I am going to try and answer... and I also want to also share with you the amazing blessings that we received as people donated and helped me pay for a wonderful funeral! 

So first and foremost - keep in mind that I am 20 years old, Jeff  was 26. Not that that is any kind of excuse for us not being on top of things...but he hadn't even solidified his future career yet, and the last thing either of us planned on was one of us passing away this early in life. 

What makes this even more ironic is the fact that Jeff and I had discussed getting Life Insurance NUMEROUS times.  I had also just discussed it with my sister in law at the Chinook Rodeo Finals where I said that I should probably just go forge Jeff's signature and get us some....hmmmm....maybe I should have gone through with that idea? 

So to answer the question, we had talked about it, LOTS. Although his answer to me was always the same, "When I get home we will".

So there you have it. Simple as that. We had talked about it, we put it off, and to be completely honest I thought Jeff of all people wouldn't be the one to have this kind of thing happen to him! The kid had fifty lives! So waiting a few more weeks for him to come home didn't seem like such a big deal.

Well lesson learned! 

 Young couples (or old couples, or in between couples) - do NOT put off things like Life Insurance and Wills. Even if it is the tiniest amount - something is better then nothing!  I have learned the hard way for everyone. Please be smarter then we were! ;)

Now the amazing part of the story! The Rocky Mountain Goat Alliance asked my Dad if we had insurance, when he said that we didn't, it literally took until the next afternoon and a Trust Fund was set up for me to help pay for Funeral expenses, outstanding debts, costs of Search and Rescue etc.  

This lead to the 1st Choice Savings Trust Fund in Magrath, then a Trust Fund set up by ATB in Lethbridge.

An incredible Barrel Racing Benefit and Silent Auction put on by my awesome rodeo family.

And an unreal amount of people donating to the cause.

We also had businesses, Ag Societies, and other organizations donate as well! 

I plan on doing further blog posts about each of these organizations and events, but for now, at least you know our story!

THANK-YOU to all those who donated or simply took the time to come out to the different events.  Jeff's funeral was gorgeous and I was able to walk away with it completely paid for! How amazing is that?! I feel like a pretty lucky girl!  Every penny counted and it was very much appreciated!

I will be forever indebted to those around me, some who didn't even know Jeff or myself, but just felt the need to help us out.  Never again will a situation like this take place and me not stop and give back like so many have done for me!

Thanks again! 

Dakota

Who Are You To Judge How I Hurt...

Alright, today is awkward conversation day on the blog.

This is a post that will only apply to some...to others, you will know this doesn't apply to you. :)

I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but I thought, hey...why not just get it out there. At least my conscience will be clear and I can continue on and not have to regret "not" saying something.

So here it is!

I was struggling the first few days - I am still struggling - but not only was I in shock, I also felt like I needed to be strong and "hold myself together" for those that I was around.  I definitely had my break downs but I mostly spent my time sitting quietly and just allowing things to sink in.

To many, this would be viewed as "weird".  I had all the comments from "Wow, you are taking this really well", to "I can't believe you are going back to work, I would have just shut down"...to actual rumours being spread and assumptions being made.  These comments really bugged me, simply because what appears on the outside isn't always what is actually going on in the inside and there are always two sides to every story. 

My Grandma comforted me by telling me this story;

Once there was a lady whose husband had passed away.  She didn't cry at the funeral, she didn't cry in public, but instead chose to (from the outside looking in) go on with her life.  Many people would stop her and ask her how she was doing  because she didn't even seem sad. Her reply would be...who are you to say how I have to hurt?  Who are you to say when I can and cannot cry?  Just because I don't cry in front of you doesn't mean that I don't go home and cry in private

.

Please keep this in mind when you see me posting on this blog or going throughout my daily activities - I am not looking for sympathy or attention.  That was not my intentions with this blog and the amount of feedback that I have received from it is absolutely incredible.  But please, don't be so quick to assume - or judge.

WITH THAT SAID

So many people have been so supportive throughout this! In fact I have had so much support that it has left me completely in awe, humbled and extremely grateful.  I can say without a doubt that the only thing I was running off of those first few weeks were prayers.  They kept me going, and helped me get through each very difficult moment.  I have appreciated every comment in which people say that they admire my strength - and let me tell you; I have completely surprised myself! Never in a million years would I have thought I could handle something like this - but I have only been able to do so because of the amazing love that I received and felt for Jeff and myself.  It was all of you that have kept me going! 

The amount of people that have taken the time to write me an email, Facebook message, text, phone call or even stopped to say hello on the street is unreal. It has not gone unnoticed.  I have said many times that I do not have arms big enough to hug all those that I feel the need to hug and thank. So hopefully some of you get to read this! 

I am so very grateful for all of you!

Thank you for the love, prayers, support, and for keeping us in your thoughts. 

Dakota

November 10, 2014 - Part 2 - The Power of Prayer

Heath's letter continued...

"I worked my way back from where we were to a safe spot.  I didn't dare try to go any further as to fall and slip as Jeff did.  I yelled and called for a response from Jeff for ten minutes.  I still could not see or hear him and didn't know where he had stopped.  I got no response, so I did the best thing I knew too do.  I called upon the Lord with the power of the Priesthood to keep Jeff safe, comforted, and not in pain if he was alive.  I had an overwhelming feeling.  I could feel Jeff's spirit.  I knew he was there with me.  I felt it several times.  I had the feeling that he didn't make it, that he didn't suffer, and that he was on his way to our Father in Heaven.  At the same time I knew I had to find him.  Hoping Jordan and Brett were around somewhere I fired off three SOS shots with my gun hoping they would hear and wait around to help.  I did this a couple time till I only had one bullet left.  It was just about dark by this time so I worked my way down the mountain, around some cliffs and washes in the dark looking for him.  I could not see or hear him.  I called for him the whole way down.  When I got to the road, I left my pack and gun hoping Jordan and Brett were still around.  Up the mountain again I went in the dark, in a different wash this time than the one I came down, looking and calling for Jeff. It was pitch black.  I could not find, see, or hear Jeff. I could not even see his toque again.  So I offered another blessing for Jeff that he would be safe as I had to leave him on the mountain and go for help.  It was a long dark trek back ten kilometres to camp. I was exhausted.  I know Jeff was there giving me strength.  I could feel his spirit.  When back at camp we tried to get a hold of Derrick.  With no luck, we hit the SOS button.  Within two hours Don from Kemano was there with another guy that knew the Search and Rescue guys from Kitimat.  He was a subcontractor working in Kenano.  I think his name was Hank.  By 2:30 that morning the Marines and Coast Gaurd were at the location.  I went up in the chopper with them trying to see Jeff.  The wind was horrible.  It was throwing the chopper around so bad that they had to land.  Since it was too windy for the chopper, we decided to take ropes and equipment up the mountain and try and find Jeff.  Two Marines, Brett, and I went up the wash that I thought Jeff was in.  We repelled down the washes below the cliffs trying to find him.  We could not see him or his toque.  The one Marine was in the Special Forces for ten years prior to Search and Rescue.  He had been in Search and Rescue for twenty-six years.  He had thirty-six years experience and said Jeff was the first person he could not ever find.  He said it was the roughest terrain he had ever been in.  At 8:30 we came down the mountain.  It was just starting to get light by this time.  The helicopter had to go  as they were over their allotted work time and had to be back in Terrance by 9:30.  They were not coming back as they had other calls.  The last thing the Captain said to me at the chopper was because of the wind and rough terrain we would have to find him in the spring.  At that moment the wind stopped. (More on this amazing tender mercy in a future post.) We begged them to go up and look one more time.  They did.  The wind did not blow.  They spotted Jeff's orange toque just above where we had been looking all night.  They repelled down out of the helicopter and found Jeff.  I don't know how close he was too his toque, but they found him.  As the helicopter headed toward Terrace with Jeff inside the wind started blowing like a hurricane again.  As we all know it didn't stop blowing the rest of our time in there.  Small miracles did happen...When Jeff slipped and fell and I turned around and saw him fall, he did not scream, yell or even let a sound out.  I don't know why.  Maybe Jeff knew this was going to happen,  Maybe he was ready to go to our Father in Heaven.  Maybe he knew he had greater work to do.  I know Jeff is in a better place doing work that nobody else could do, touching the hearts the only he could.  He will always be with you.  Remember all the good.  Remember his laugh, his smile, and blue eyes." 

Heath 

November 10, 2014 - Part 1 - Monster Billy Down

Much of this blog post comes from a letter that was written to me by Heath Michelson - the hunter Jeff was with during his accident.

When the media puts out a headline like "Man Falls Off Cliff and Dies", it isn't exactly a peaceful title.  It paints a gruesome picture and I have found that it can be quite upsetting to the soul.  But this wasn't how Jeff went - it wasn't a horrible story, there was no suffering - it was a story full of absolutely incredible tender mercies and a peaceful passing. I truly believe that the only way to have it make sense in my mind is to believe that there is a plan.  It all just went too perfectly to not be part of a plan.  

I felt a deep hurt for those who were Jeff's friends and acquaintances.  As his wife I was given so much time to spend with him, to hold his hand, to stroke his hair.  But I know that many people who were close with Jeff at one time or another were not given that same opportunity.  So I hope that with this story you can find peace, and that you can find comfort in knowing that Jeff was being prepared to go. Myself and many others firmly believe this.

 It was all part of a plan!

This picture was taken shortly before Jeff passed.  We all felt as if Jeff was giving us the "thumbs up" to show that he was doing alright! He truly passed doing what he loved!  


It was Jeff's last hunt and he had told me I could be expecting him home by November 22.

So many of our texts in that last month had consisted of him telling me how excited he was to come home and see me! We had survived the past four months of Jeff being gone at the territory and we were so excited to be united again.  

On November 7, I sent Jeff a text message wishing him safe travels back into the territory and told him to go out with a "bang"! He sent me back, "lol, no pun intended". At the time I thought hunting was clearly on his mind, but now that I look back, I wonder if he had even the faintest clue of the imprint he would leave behind when he left.
That night he also sent me a text to say "Happy Anniversary Eve!" It was adorable.
November 8, 2014 was our one year anniversary. He had his sisters pick up 2 dozen pink and white roses for me.
November 9, he texted me in the morning to tell me that they were going on an afternoon hunt. He told me that he missed me and sent me smiley faces with a text that said we were starting year two of our marriage.
November 10. He told me he loved me and that he was counting down the time until he could see me again.
November 10, 2014 at 2:30 pm..."Love you" was the last text I ever received from Jeff.  We weren't having a conversation. It was just a random text. How lucky am I to have the last words of my husband, of 1 year and 2 days be "Love you".  It doesn't get much better then that.

Around 3:30 my dad had posted on Facebook that Jeff and Heath had a billy down.  I wasn't worried that Jeff hadn't texted me.  So many times it had been hours between texts, sometimes 12 hours in between and then all of a sudden I would have a text that said, "Hey babes, billy down and we had to haul it in the dark. Almost died and it was crazy steep, but we made it."  If I had a dollar for every text of that kind...I would be a rich woman.  This was no different, I went to sleep and when I hadn't received a text in the morning I was starting to get a little worried but quickly reminded myself that he would text when he was safely back at camp. He always did.

Heath's letter to me was so amazing. I was so overjoyed to hear about Jeff's day. To read about the things that he had said and done. When he passed one of the things that had crossed my mind was the desire to know how Jeff was feeling that day, was he having a good day, or did he sleep on a rock and have a sore back? All these little questions I so badly wanted answers to. I feel like Heath's letter did an amazing job of giving me the answers.

Here is a look into what happened on that day.

"The day he passed I had asked him why I was lucky enough that Derrick gave me him as a guide.  He just shrugged his shoulders and gave me some funny comment about Derrick and how lucky I was that I did get him as a guide.  He could sure hike and climb those mountains.  It was all I could do to keep up with him.  He never had anything negative to say and was always positive about everything. Monday we had planned on packing a tent, sleeping bag, and food for 3-4 days and going up the Killdalley Valley.  Monday morning came around and Jeff decided he didn't want to go that way that day.  He wanted to hunt up the Kemano River and go to the Killdalley Valley Tuesday.  So that's what we did.  Jordan and Brett (the other guide and hunter) were already down in the Kemano that morning.  About half way down the road to where the accident happened, Jeff had spotted a Billy way down the valley and on top of the mountain.  That is where we were going.  We were going to get that Billy.  He said it was a monster, so off we went.  When we got to the spot Jordan and Brett were already there looking at another Billy.  We spotted our Billy again, so we parted ways, each going after a Billy.  Straight up Jeff and I went talking about life and what he was going to do when he was done guiding.  He wasn't quite sure what that was. He had lots of ideas but nothing figured out.  The terrain was brutal.  It was steep, wet, covered in moss, slippery and steep again.  There were lots of cliff faces and washes around from waterfalls and avalanches.  We worked our way up the mountain making comments to each other as we would get to a difficult spot that if either one of us slipped or lost a hand or a foot hold, we would end up down the mountain and it would not be pretty.  We both knew what we were doing, as far as the danger of the mountain.  When we were a couple hundred yards above tree line Jeff motioned to hurry up.  Monster Billy! Monster Billy! He said pointing straight up on top of more cliffs ahead.  I hurried and got my gun out of my pack and the monster Billy was down.  It fell down the cliff face opposite of us.  We could not see if from where we were, so we worked our way around the cliff through some ugly washes and found the goat 300-400 yards down the mountain from where I had shot it.  It was in a steep wash.  We were lucky it had stopped where it did.  The wash was too steep to work in so we moved the Billy through the wash to a safer spot.  This is where Jeff texted Derrick "Monster Billy down!!" We talked about what we were going to do.  We either had to spend the night on the mountain and take the goat down in the morning or go down and unload our packs at camp and come back the next morning.  So we skinned the goat down as much as we could and headed down the mountain at about four o'clock.  Because the goat fell on the other side of the cliff that we came up on, we decided to go down the mountain a different way.  As we were down the mountain a ways.  Jeff dropped a pin on the satellite grid so we could come back up the mountain the way we were going down, because it seemed to be a better way that the way we went up.  Not too much farther down the mountain we came into several cliffs and washes.  We came to a spot where there were two old washes that had solid rock faces that had moss of them.  We decided to try going across them.  We both had rope in our packs and talked about whether we should tie off to each other as there was nothing else to hold on to or tie off to but rock and moss.  We decided that if we were tied to each other we both may fall.  We were both through the first wash and working on  the second one.  We were working our way through them feet first, holding on with our hands above our heads and facing the rock.  Jeff's backpack had an aluminium frame.  I also remember he didn't have his waist strap done up on the pack.  He had it like that for most of the day.  As we were going through this wash facing the rock I heard the aluminium frame hit the rock.  I turned around and saw Jeff sliding down the wash and over a drop.  I could hear the aluminium pack hitting the rocks but could not see Jeff or the pack.  All I could see was his orange toque about 50 yards below me on the side of  a wash."  


To be continued...

I Just Felt Like I Should...

This story is one of my favourites!

The last time Jeff came home to Alberta I had made a run to the boarder to pick up some things he had ordered. He was an avid online shopper! :)  As he unpacked the boxes he showed me a toque he had purchased.

 It was just like every other hunting toque but he thought it was so cool because it was reversible.  One side was camo, the other a very bright florescent orange.  He had stated to me that he liked orange but that he would always wear it camo side out because it was much too bright for the mountains.

When I was told the story of what happened one of the things that stuck out to me was that they found Jeff by his toque.  I automatically knew exactly what they were talking about, and when Jeff's "thumbs up" picture came my way and he was wearing that toque orange side out - I just cried. I knew that had happened for a reason, but I didn't know that others had felt that too.  It is so neat to find out that the impressions you are having are also being felt by someone else.  

A few days after Jeff had passed Heath sent me a some pictures.
These pictures sent me straight to my knees.

At one point in Heath's letter he stated that when Jeff had fallen all he could see was Jeff's toque about 50 yards down.  All of the Search and Rescue efforts were based around trying to find that toque.

In the last paragraph of the letter - Heath said this;

"Small miracles did happen.  The wind. The toque.  The whole trip Jeff had his toque camouflage side out.  Even when we took pictures of the goat, he turned it back to camouflage side out and then turned it back to orange on our way down.  I asked him why he did that.  He didn't know why, just that he thought it would dry a little bit better that way."

Had Jeff not flipped his toque - his body wouldn't have been found. And Search and Rescue wasn't coming back to look for him again until Spring.  What a tender mercy. I can not even explain how blessed I feel that Jeff for some reason felt the urge to switch that toque.

So many blessings in such a time of trial, but how can you not feel comfort and peace when you hear a story like that. I have shed many tears over the amazing feeling I get when I reread that letter again and again and look at the pictures that I was sent.

I hope you can feel the same!

Dakota 

The Day My Life Changed...

November 11, 2014. 

Remembrance Day. 

What a coincidence that the day I learned of Jeff's passing, was also a holiday dedicated to the simple task of "remembering".  To put it frankly it was definitely a day that I will never forget. 

I was lucky enough to have the day off from work. I slept in, had breakfast, and chatted with my 

sister-in-law about her new puppy she was purchasing.  I thought I heard my phone ringing in my bedroom so I ran back to get it.  On the way back to my room I had this strange feeling in my stomach - then I saw that the phone call was coming from my Mom.  

She never called me early in the morning and the feeling I had in my stomach made me debate on whether or not to answer the call, but I did.  She asked where I was and when I stated that I was at home she asked if anyone was with me and told me to go and be with someone. That was when I knew it wasn't good.  I walked into the living room where my sister-in-law was and asked my Mom what was going on.  All I remember is hearing that Jeff had fallen off a cliff the night before.  They hadn't been able to find him when it had happened and Search and Rescue was flying him out as we spoke.  She told me that I needed to pray - and pray hard - because it wasn't good.  She didn't know the details, she didn't know if he was dead or alive, but she knew it wasn't good.  She told me to prepare myself for the worst.  Either he was dead, or he was paralysed from the fall with severe frost bite after being out in the elements all night.
I don't know how to explain what was running through my head during that phone call.  I was so scared.  My worst nightmare - a thought that I had had so many times before but pushed out of my mind thinking that it couldn't possibly happen to me - it was happening.  I was literally living my worst nightmare.  She told me to try and remain calm and that she would call me as soon as she knew anything.  I insisted on booking a flight so that I could be there with him, but without details it was hard  to know where exactly I needed to go.  So I had to wait.  That was one of the slowest moments of my life - one of those moments which is often described as "seeing your life flash before your eyes" - this was that moment but it was like being in slow motion.  I felt so helpless.
I ran back to my room and prayed, which came out more like a scream.  Pleading with my Father in Heaven and begging him to make this okay, to take care of Jeff - to make sure Jeff was okay.  Well, as I was praying, I had this peaceful feeling come over me. Although it was a horrible peaceful feeling - I knew Jeff was going to be okay, but not in the way that I wanted him to be.  I feel like at that moment I knew he was gone, but it wasn't until the phone call came from my Mom and I heard her say "Dakota, Jeff is dead" that it actually hit me.  I think to say that I "lost it" was an understatement - but it wasn't too long afterwards that I felt this little voice in the back of my mind say, "Dakota, you need to be strong today."  And that was exactly what I needed to hear.

The contents of the next few hours were all a blur.  People sobbing and asking why?  So many visitors and hugs.  So much support - it was incredible the short amount of time it took for people to hear the news! I hadn't called a soul and within 45 minutes all of Southern Alberta knew.

So many people had offered to help with everything from watching my dog, to paying for my flights to B.C. It was amazing.

It was finally time for me to head to Calgary so I could board my flight to Terrace, B.C.  I had been made aware by the Coroner that I was not allowed or "highly recommended" to not see Jeff until the funeral home had prepared him, so I was really just flying out to B.C. to meet with my Mom in Terrace.  At the time we booked flights we weren't sure what Jeff's state would be so we were prepared to be there with him. I guess plans had to change.

After hitting horrible roads on the way to Calgary and arriving at the airport with 25 minutes until our flight left, West Jet informed us that we would not be allowed to board the plane.  I had known this would happen but my Grandma Donna (who was accompanying me out to B.C.) informed them that we would in fact be boarding the plane because her granddaughter's husband had died today.  From that moment on the airline was AMAZING! They had us on the flight in 10 minutes, upgraded our seats and had a constant supply of Kleenex available! As well as alcohol or chocolate...I went for the chocolate.  I couldn't say enough good things about how they treated me that day! I am NOT a "hugger" - but I hugged them!

They have no idea how much that helped me, especially because those flights were one of the worst parts of this whole experience thus far.  I was cold, dead, and empty inside. I remember wishing the plane would just go down so I could hug Jeff. That was hard. Even thinking of it now I still shudder.  That was a feeling I would never wish upon anyone.

After getting off the plane, meeting up with my Mom and driving to the hotel room. I spent an hour reading the messages people had sent me throughout the day. I so appreciated EVERY single one of them.  They all brought me so much peace and I was so humbled by the amount of support that was felt.  That was a hard day, but those moments made it much easier to take in.

So THANK YOU!