November 11, 2014.
Remembrance Day.
What a coincidence that the day I learned of Jeff's passing, was also a holiday dedicated to the simple task of "remembering". To put it frankly it was definitely a day that I will never forget.
I was lucky enough to have the day off from work. I slept in, had breakfast, and chatted with my
sister-in-law about her new puppy she was purchasing. I thought I heard my phone ringing in my bedroom so I ran back to get it. On the way back to my room I had this strange feeling in my stomach - then I saw that the phone call was coming from my Mom.
She never called me early in the morning and the feeling I had in my stomach made me debate on whether or not to answer the call, but I did. She asked where I was and when I stated that I was at home she asked if anyone was with me and told me to go and be with someone. That was when I knew it wasn't good. I walked into the living room where my sister-in-law was and asked my Mom what was going on. All I remember is hearing that Jeff had fallen off a cliff the night before. They hadn't been able to find him when it had happened and Search and Rescue was flying him out as we spoke. She told me that I needed to pray - and pray hard - because it wasn't good. She didn't know the details, she didn't know if he was dead or alive, but she knew it wasn't good. She told me to prepare myself for the worst. Either he was dead, or he was paralysed from the fall with severe frost bite after being out in the elements all night.
I don't know how to explain what was running through my head during that phone call. I was so scared. My worst nightmare - a thought that I had had so many times before but pushed out of my mind thinking that it couldn't possibly happen to me - it was happening. I was literally living my worst nightmare. She told me to try and remain calm and that she would call me as soon as she knew anything. I insisted on booking a flight so that I could be there with him, but without details it was hard to know where exactly I needed to go. So I had to wait. That was one of the slowest moments of my life - one of those moments which is often described as "seeing your life flash before your eyes" - this was that moment but it was like being in slow motion. I felt so helpless.
I ran back to my room and prayed, which came out more like a scream. Pleading with my Father in Heaven and begging him to make this okay, to take care of Jeff - to make sure Jeff was okay. Well, as I was praying, I had this peaceful feeling come over me. Although it was a horrible peaceful feeling - I knew Jeff was going to be okay, but not in the way that I wanted him to be. I feel like at that moment I knew he was gone, but it wasn't until the phone call came from my Mom and I heard her say "Dakota, Jeff is dead" that it actually hit me. I think to say that I "lost it" was an understatement - but it wasn't too long afterwards that I felt this little voice in the back of my mind say, "Dakota, you need to be strong today." And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
The contents of the next few hours were all a blur. People sobbing and asking why? So many visitors and hugs. So much support - it was incredible the short amount of time it took for people to hear the news! I hadn't called a soul and within 45 minutes all of Southern Alberta knew.
So many people had offered to help with everything from watching my dog, to paying for my flights to B.C. It was amazing.
It was finally time for me to head to Calgary so I could board my flight to Terrace, B.C. I had been made aware by the Coroner that I was not allowed or "highly recommended" to not see Jeff until the funeral home had prepared him, so I was really just flying out to B.C. to meet with my Mom in Terrace. At the time we booked flights we weren't sure what Jeff's state would be so we were prepared to be there with him. I guess plans had to change.
After hitting horrible roads on the way to Calgary and arriving at the airport with 25 minutes until our flight left, West Jet informed us that we would not be allowed to board the plane. I had known this would happen but my Grandma Donna (who was accompanying me out to B.C.) informed them that we would in fact be boarding the plane because her granddaughter's husband had died today. From that moment on the airline was AMAZING! They had us on the flight in 10 minutes, upgraded our seats and had a constant supply of Kleenex available! As well as alcohol or chocolate...I went for the chocolate. I couldn't say enough good things about how they treated me that day! I am NOT a "hugger" - but I hugged them!
They have no idea how much that helped me, especially because those flights were one of the worst parts of this whole experience thus far. I was cold, dead, and empty inside. I remember wishing the plane would just go down so I could hug Jeff. That was hard. Even thinking of it now I still shudder. That was a feeling I would never wish upon anyone.
After getting off the plane, meeting up with my Mom and driving to the hotel room. I spent an hour reading the messages people had sent me throughout the day. I so appreciated EVERY single one of them. They all brought me so much peace and I was so humbled by the amount of support that was felt. That was a hard day, but those moments made it much easier to take in.
So THANK YOU!
I don't know how to explain what was running through my head during that phone call. I was so scared. My worst nightmare - a thought that I had had so many times before but pushed out of my mind thinking that it couldn't possibly happen to me - it was happening. I was literally living my worst nightmare. She told me to try and remain calm and that she would call me as soon as she knew anything. I insisted on booking a flight so that I could be there with him, but without details it was hard to know where exactly I needed to go. So I had to wait. That was one of the slowest moments of my life - one of those moments which is often described as "seeing your life flash before your eyes" - this was that moment but it was like being in slow motion. I felt so helpless.
I ran back to my room and prayed, which came out more like a scream. Pleading with my Father in Heaven and begging him to make this okay, to take care of Jeff - to make sure Jeff was okay. Well, as I was praying, I had this peaceful feeling come over me. Although it was a horrible peaceful feeling - I knew Jeff was going to be okay, but not in the way that I wanted him to be. I feel like at that moment I knew he was gone, but it wasn't until the phone call came from my Mom and I heard her say "Dakota, Jeff is dead" that it actually hit me. I think to say that I "lost it" was an understatement - but it wasn't too long afterwards that I felt this little voice in the back of my mind say, "Dakota, you need to be strong today." And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
The contents of the next few hours were all a blur. People sobbing and asking why? So many visitors and hugs. So much support - it was incredible the short amount of time it took for people to hear the news! I hadn't called a soul and within 45 minutes all of Southern Alberta knew.
So many people had offered to help with everything from watching my dog, to paying for my flights to B.C. It was amazing.
It was finally time for me to head to Calgary so I could board my flight to Terrace, B.C. I had been made aware by the Coroner that I was not allowed or "highly recommended" to not see Jeff until the funeral home had prepared him, so I was really just flying out to B.C. to meet with my Mom in Terrace. At the time we booked flights we weren't sure what Jeff's state would be so we were prepared to be there with him. I guess plans had to change.
After hitting horrible roads on the way to Calgary and arriving at the airport with 25 minutes until our flight left, West Jet informed us that we would not be allowed to board the plane. I had known this would happen but my Grandma Donna (who was accompanying me out to B.C.) informed them that we would in fact be boarding the plane because her granddaughter's husband had died today. From that moment on the airline was AMAZING! They had us on the flight in 10 minutes, upgraded our seats and had a constant supply of Kleenex available! As well as alcohol or chocolate...I went for the chocolate. I couldn't say enough good things about how they treated me that day! I am NOT a "hugger" - but I hugged them!
They have no idea how much that helped me, especially because those flights were one of the worst parts of this whole experience thus far. I was cold, dead, and empty inside. I remember wishing the plane would just go down so I could hug Jeff. That was hard. Even thinking of it now I still shudder. That was a feeling I would never wish upon anyone.
After getting off the plane, meeting up with my Mom and driving to the hotel room. I spent an hour reading the messages people had sent me throughout the day. I so appreciated EVERY single one of them. They all brought me so much peace and I was so humbled by the amount of support that was felt. That was a hard day, but those moments made it much easier to take in.
So THANK YOU!
I think about you often. You a have been raised with such faith and strength it is incredible. Countless time has been spent to pass that on to you so you'll be able to have the peace, comfort and knowledge that you need. You are amazing & greatly loved.
ReplyDeleteMay you feel the power of the Comforter in your life! Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteLove that your starting this blog. You probably will never know how many people it will touch. Still thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI think you were inspired to start this blog back in October. You've already made me want to be better. Thank you for writing, and I'm still thinking about you and jeff often! xo
ReplyDelete