One Month Later...

One Month. Thirty days. Four Weeks.

No matter what way you think of it, it still doesn't feel real.

In moments it does, and those moments are hard and they are scary - although quickly followed by an overwhelming feeling of peace, love, and gratitude.

In the last month I have done some things that no twenty year old should ever have to do, but that many have done before.  I have planned a funeral, picked out a casket, and watched as my husband was lowered into some very cold ground.  I have learned how to cancel drivers licenses, passports, cell phones, etc. I keep telling everyone that I may be in a twenty year old body-  but I feel like I'm eighty!

 Through all the tears, shock, confusion, and desperation, I can't help but stop and think about how blessed I have been.  When my mind starts getting out of control and my thoughts are ones that I wish would disappear - I turn on Jeff's favourite song from his mission, "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

Which can be found here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xj8aKBdfZc  

CD: Reflections of Christ - Hymns of Our Savior

Sung by: Freddie Ashby

I found a version of this song which is performed by Chris Rice.  In this version there is one more verse - and that extra verse really hit me. The lyrics to this song are incredible! I have found so much peace in it and I felt like it was Jeff's favourite for a reason.

"Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

Sung by: Chris Rice

Come thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount

I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer, 

Here by Thy great help I've come.

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God.

He to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood.

Oh that day when freed from sinning

I shall see Thy lovely face.

Clothed then in blood washed linen

How I'll sing thy sovereign grace.

Come my Lord no longer tarry

Take my ransom soul away.

Send thine angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless days.

Oh to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constraint to be!

Let Thy goodness like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love. 

Here's my heart

Oh take and seal it.

Seal it for thy courts above.

Here's my heart

Oh take and seal it

Seal it for thy courts above.

When I hear that song, almost instantly my hurt is gone.  This allows me to take the time to stop and think about all of the good that has come from this.  Even though it is often hard to see, and especially hard to understand.  I do know that there is a plan - much beyond my understanding - but there is a plan.  I  know Jeff is happy. I know he is safe.  He is finally back home where he needed to be.  Sometimes I am almost jealous that Jeff no longer has to live on the earth, and that he doesn't have to go through some of the trials that we are faced with while we are here.  But I have learned that each and every one of us have a purpose here, we all have something that we need to accomplish or learn.  Some of us take a long time to do those things, some of us a much shorter time - and we may never really know when it is our time to go.

One thing that I always admired about Jeff and never fully understood was his ability to "live life to the fullest".  I am SO not like that! I am a planner, I have to know every detail and I am not the biggest fan of surprises or change...so being around Jeff was so good for me.  He taught me to sit back and enjoy the ride - he told me so many times, Dakota, you are only 20...relax! You have your whole life ahead of you.  It always drove me nuts but now I so appreciate his outlook on life.  It helps me realize how much more I have to accomplish in life - and how much time I really have to do it, while at the same time making sure that I don't waste a minute...if that makes any sense! :)  I know I wasn't the only one that he taught this lesson to...so I hope that everyone whose lives he touched and even those reading this blog will follow his example and take advantage of every moment!

Thank you for all the support this past month! It is truly the only reason I am still hanging in there!  It is so appreciated.

Dakota