Alright, today is awkward conversation day on the blog.
This is a post that will only apply to some...to others, you will know this doesn't apply to you. :)
I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but I thought, hey...why not just get it out there. At least my conscience will be clear and I can continue on and not have to regret "not" saying something.
So here it is!
I was struggling the first few days - I am still struggling - but not only was I in shock, I also felt like I needed to be strong and "hold myself together" for those that I was around. I definitely had my break downs but I mostly spent my time sitting quietly and just allowing things to sink in.
To many, this would be viewed as "weird". I had all the comments from "Wow, you are taking this really well", to "I can't believe you are going back to work, I would have just shut down"...to actual rumours being spread and assumptions being made. These comments really bugged me, simply because what appears on the outside isn't always what is actually going on in the inside and there are always two sides to every story.
My Grandma comforted me by telling me this story;
Once there was a lady whose husband had passed away. She didn't cry at the funeral, she didn't cry in public, but instead chose to (from the outside looking in) go on with her life. Many people would stop her and ask her how she was doing because she didn't even seem sad. Her reply would be...who are you to say how I have to hurt? Who are you to say when I can and cannot cry? Just because I don't cry in front of you doesn't mean that I don't go home and cry in private
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Please keep this in mind when you see me posting on this blog or going throughout my daily activities - I am not looking for sympathy or attention. That was not my intentions with this blog and the amount of feedback that I have received from it is absolutely incredible. But please, don't be so quick to assume - or judge.
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WITH THAT SAID
So many people have been so supportive throughout this! In fact I have had so much support that it has left me completely in awe, humbled and extremely grateful. I can say without a doubt that the only thing I was running off of those first few weeks were prayers. They kept me going, and helped me get through each very difficult moment. I have appreciated every comment in which people say that they admire my strength - and let me tell you; I have completely surprised myself! Never in a million years would I have thought I could handle something like this - but I have only been able to do so because of the amazing love that I received and felt for Jeff and myself. It was all of you that have kept me going!
The amount of people that have taken the time to write me an email, Facebook message, text, phone call or even stopped to say hello on the street is unreal. It has not gone unnoticed. I have said many times that I do not have arms big enough to hug all those that I feel the need to hug and thank. So hopefully some of you get to read this!
I am so very grateful for all of you!
Thank you for the love, prayers, support, and for keeping us in your thoughts.
Dakota
Grief is a very personal thing. No one should ever be judged or made to feel guilty or ashamed because they are experiencing it differently than some one else. Some of us are just more private than others and prefer to be strong in public, while others can allow their tears to flow freely at anytime or place. That being said, please don't ever pass up that desire or feeling that you need help or just want a listening ear. You are loved greatly, and there are a lot of people who will always be here if and when you need them.
ReplyDeleteDakota, I swear in my mind you are still the little girl running around on your Dad's farm when Kyle still worked for him. You've grown into such a strong and beautiful woman and our hearts break for you that you have had to face this. I loved this post and I love your strength. Nobody can know what we feel on the inside, or understand how we grieve. I hope that you may always have the strength of your testimony to help you through the difficult times. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly, our prayers are with you!
ReplyDeleteWhat Sue said��
ReplyDeleteAs well....the power of prayer is unreal. The days leading up to when I had to go to the funeral home to care for our baby Son I prayed like never before. I needed to go and dress him, put his things we had for him in his tiny coffin with him. I needed to hold him one last time. I needed to be his Mom. To feel like his Mom. I knew if I broke down while I was dressing him I would lose it. So I prayed for strength. I went by myself and I didn't shed a tear while dressing him. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it if I was bawling. Even one Funeral home guy had to leave because he started crying.
Then I sat with my Son for the last time and read to him and bawled. Just the two of us.
In the last two years since his death I've had all kinds of comments. I hate to say it but some people are just dumb. Some don't get it unless they've suffered a great loss as well. We all grieve differently, and at different paces. That's what makes us who we are. Dakota, all that matters is you and Jeff right now and you know that. Thanks for sharing on your blog. Writing can be such a great way of coping. I'm relieved you've had enough help to pay for Jeff's funeral. We too had help when our Son died and it does help to ease the burden. That's the main reason I donated to your silent auction. I just want to pay it forward.
Ps.. Don't let anyone make you feel dumb about the life insurance. 99% of us have all been in the same boat. Take care❌❌
You don't know me but I think you are so strong you're right we all grieve in own way. You are the only one that knows what's best for you and the best way to deal with your situation and emotions. I hope no one else says anything unkind to you. When we lost our baby it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through but I've also never felt so uplifted encouraged and close to my Heavenly Father in the spirit. it really does help us get through these tough times. hang in there girl!
ReplyDelete